Ok, it's here....

The frustration is here. I now know what my first roommate Michelle was going thru, maybe not even as bad. The difference being she knew she was leaving when her contract was up. She had traveling to look forward to. And me? Well, as usual, I'm not sure what's going on. Although I do know I'm getting quite tired of that feeling, and I'm ready to grow up. I'm just not sure quite how to start. I pretty sure it has something about taking responisibilty for your actions and going thru with promises, and preparing for your future. It's the last one I have problems with.

So now with only a few months left to go, my time at TPR is winding down. I need to see what I should do about renewing my contract or whatever. I know I want to stay in Zhuhai, but I don't know what I want to do. There's a foriegner that wants me to work in Sales or something in his international export business. I could continue teaching. I could change schools (a little more difficult) I really really just have no clue. Ideally I'd love to teach part time at TPR so I could keep my visa, get some private students during the week, and work the rest of the time at the bar. I really love it there. The music is all that keeps me alive some nights.

I've discovered something about myself I never knew before: I have an ability to lost myself in music. I've never really considered myself a "real" musician before because I always lacked the motivation to practice or to get better. I was happy just to play what I could. But I've lived off my natural abilties long enough...

in more than just music. I have many natural talents that I've just used to get by, not really excel in anything. Writing, Music, Language, and I've just watched most of these things go to waste. Only now I'm tired of it. I'm ready to do something. I'm still not sure, what or when or how, but at least a little fire has been lit under my ass.

Maybe it's been the recent events. I'm really just thru with it these days. I've been robbed in my home by a guy I brought home. He'd been here 3 times before. A little geeky gamer guy that cuts hair for a living. Visit number three he decided needed money more than my friendship and he ran off with my roommate's laptop and my camera and some money from my purse. This was the same day that my cellphone got stolen by some girls at the bar that had engaged me in some friendly conversation. Then when I went up on stage to sing I left my purse by them and my (newly purchased because my last one was broken) cell phone wasn't there at the end of the night.
Hmmm what else. Yeah so the roommate got pretty pissed about the stolen laptop thing, blamed me, and even after we went to the cops, (which was interesting but useless) he still needed a computer for work. soooo there went the little money i had been saving.

oh and then there's joel. this interesting native american guy who teaches in town. flaming queen right? which i dont really care. i mean even after i brought him to bbq and he embarresed me and my friends i still hung out with him. even after he called me at 3 in the morning crying because he was handcuffed to a chair and didn't know where he was (jail because he got super drunk and hit someone) did i judge him? no. i just resolved not to hang out with him anymore. it's over right? haha, no. so one night, after paying a bill he left at live bar, i took him and some other friends to a disco because they were getting uncomfortably drunk at live bar and i didnt want him to show his ass any more. later that night when i was ready to go home, we stopped by the little outdoor food place at the entrance of the disco and had some snacks. at some point joel got a little upset because i told him i was trying to help him because he was drunk. so he proceed to yell and scream at me things which aren't fit to be print. i got mad, stood up and started to go home, but my other friend didnt know how to tell the taxi driver where to go, so i sat back down and started writing it down for him while ignoring joel. which upset him even more. so he decided to scream FU, and hit me in the face with a metal plate.

yeah.

in what country is it ok to hit women?

so my lip was busted, i didnt cry, i didnt even try to hit him back. i just sat there with my head in my heads wondering why i even bother.

so yeah. i'm usually quick to forgive and forget but not when it comes to hitting me. our mutual friends say i should forgive him because he was drunk. but i'm sorry. sorry i can't forgive stupidity. it doesnt go away.

hmmm what else. oh yeah. my wallet got stolen on the bus friday. yes i had my purse in front of me. yes i know not to keep that much money, but my boss had just payed me and i was supposed to go shopping with it. i'm more pissed about losing all my wachovia card because i have no chinese money right now and my business card collection.

other things that piss me off lately. quit asking if i know how to use chopsticks. i'm fat, i obviously eat, and there's not an abundance of forks here. next person to ask me gets their eye plucked out... with a chopstick.

i know i'm fat. maybe you scrawny ass little chinese guys think it's a compliment because fat people are rich people that can afford food, however, i get really really really tired of everyone telling me EVERYDAY that i'm fat, i should lose weight, i should excercise more.. oh or even better my favorite... "you know if you were skinnier you're be really beautiful" that's usually right after sex. haha.

and how about let's just talk about how people only want me for 1 of 3 reasons. 1. i'm a foreigner and i can be used to practice english (haha, but i use them for chinese) 2. i'm a foreigner and i have money (haha, jokes on them, they keep stealing my shit so i'm broke 3. sex, (what's different there, that's every country i think)

either way it's making it really hard for me to trust anyone right now. i met this really nice guy the other night. a friend of mine from bbq. he's about 34, he's from up north, he's incredibly patient with my broken chinese. since he has to be with his no speaking english thing. i know, i know... i said i was thru with those. however, he has been nice enough to send me home and take care of me without trying to have sex with me. he doesnt call me beautiful but fat, and he's not an asshole when he drinks a lot. he's actually pretty funny and has a sense of humour about things. so i'm taking things slowly and maybe this will be a step towards settling my crazy life down.

something good has to happen soon or i'm not sure i can take much more of it.