Ok, it's here....

The frustration is here. I now know what my first roommate Michelle was going thru, maybe not even as bad. The difference being she knew she was leaving when her contract was up. She had traveling to look forward to. And me? Well, as usual, I'm not sure what's going on. Although I do know I'm getting quite tired of that feeling, and I'm ready to grow up. I'm just not sure quite how to start. I pretty sure it has something about taking responisibilty for your actions and going thru with promises, and preparing for your future. It's the last one I have problems with.

So now with only a few months left to go, my time at TPR is winding down. I need to see what I should do about renewing my contract or whatever. I know I want to stay in Zhuhai, but I don't know what I want to do. There's a foriegner that wants me to work in Sales or something in his international export business. I could continue teaching. I could change schools (a little more difficult) I really really just have no clue. Ideally I'd love to teach part time at TPR so I could keep my visa, get some private students during the week, and work the rest of the time at the bar. I really love it there. The music is all that keeps me alive some nights.

I've discovered something about myself I never knew before: I have an ability to lost myself in music. I've never really considered myself a "real" musician before because I always lacked the motivation to practice or to get better. I was happy just to play what I could. But I've lived off my natural abilties long enough...

in more than just music. I have many natural talents that I've just used to get by, not really excel in anything. Writing, Music, Language, and I've just watched most of these things go to waste. Only now I'm tired of it. I'm ready to do something. I'm still not sure, what or when or how, but at least a little fire has been lit under my ass.

Maybe it's been the recent events. I'm really just thru with it these days. I've been robbed in my home by a guy I brought home. He'd been here 3 times before. A little geeky gamer guy that cuts hair for a living. Visit number three he decided needed money more than my friendship and he ran off with my roommate's laptop and my camera and some money from my purse. This was the same day that my cellphone got stolen by some girls at the bar that had engaged me in some friendly conversation. Then when I went up on stage to sing I left my purse by them and my (newly purchased because my last one was broken) cell phone wasn't there at the end of the night.
Hmmm what else. Yeah so the roommate got pretty pissed about the stolen laptop thing, blamed me, and even after we went to the cops, (which was interesting but useless) he still needed a computer for work. soooo there went the little money i had been saving.

oh and then there's joel. this interesting native american guy who teaches in town. flaming queen right? which i dont really care. i mean even after i brought him to bbq and he embarresed me and my friends i still hung out with him. even after he called me at 3 in the morning crying because he was handcuffed to a chair and didn't know where he was (jail because he got super drunk and hit someone) did i judge him? no. i just resolved not to hang out with him anymore. it's over right? haha, no. so one night, after paying a bill he left at live bar, i took him and some other friends to a disco because they were getting uncomfortably drunk at live bar and i didnt want him to show his ass any more. later that night when i was ready to go home, we stopped by the little outdoor food place at the entrance of the disco and had some snacks. at some point joel got a little upset because i told him i was trying to help him because he was drunk. so he proceed to yell and scream at me things which aren't fit to be print. i got mad, stood up and started to go home, but my other friend didnt know how to tell the taxi driver where to go, so i sat back down and started writing it down for him while ignoring joel. which upset him even more. so he decided to scream FU, and hit me in the face with a metal plate.

yeah.

in what country is it ok to hit women?

so my lip was busted, i didnt cry, i didnt even try to hit him back. i just sat there with my head in my heads wondering why i even bother.

so yeah. i'm usually quick to forgive and forget but not when it comes to hitting me. our mutual friends say i should forgive him because he was drunk. but i'm sorry. sorry i can't forgive stupidity. it doesnt go away.

hmmm what else. oh yeah. my wallet got stolen on the bus friday. yes i had my purse in front of me. yes i know not to keep that much money, but my boss had just payed me and i was supposed to go shopping with it. i'm more pissed about losing all my wachovia card because i have no chinese money right now and my business card collection.

other things that piss me off lately. quit asking if i know how to use chopsticks. i'm fat, i obviously eat, and there's not an abundance of forks here. next person to ask me gets their eye plucked out... with a chopstick.

i know i'm fat. maybe you scrawny ass little chinese guys think it's a compliment because fat people are rich people that can afford food, however, i get really really really tired of everyone telling me EVERYDAY that i'm fat, i should lose weight, i should excercise more.. oh or even better my favorite... "you know if you were skinnier you're be really beautiful" that's usually right after sex. haha.

and how about let's just talk about how people only want me for 1 of 3 reasons. 1. i'm a foreigner and i can be used to practice english (haha, but i use them for chinese) 2. i'm a foreigner and i have money (haha, jokes on them, they keep stealing my shit so i'm broke 3. sex, (what's different there, that's every country i think)

either way it's making it really hard for me to trust anyone right now. i met this really nice guy the other night. a friend of mine from bbq. he's about 34, he's from up north, he's incredibly patient with my broken chinese. since he has to be with his no speaking english thing. i know, i know... i said i was thru with those. however, he has been nice enough to send me home and take care of me without trying to have sex with me. he doesnt call me beautiful but fat, and he's not an asshole when he drinks a lot. he's actually pretty funny and has a sense of humour about things. so i'm taking things slowly and maybe this will be a step towards settling my crazy life down.

something good has to happen soon or i'm not sure i can take much more of it.

Interesting things afoot

I've discovered that everyday something interesting happens to me. Somedays it's more interesting than others, but yeah, it seems like it just never stops here. I think that's why I like it so much. If you know me at all, you know that I'm very easily amused and I love learning about new things. That's what I get everyday here. Whether it be a new chinese word, or food, or place to shop/eat, or person, or realization... everyday, something new!

Random thing that happened... Ashley and I were out having lunch and getting mango icees when we where walking to the hairwash parlor and I hear some familar music. Turns out to be the band from live bar playing a concert on the street for whatever reason. Some business opening or something. So I walk over to smile and say hey. And wouldn't you know it, next thing I hear is "and now we have a special treat for you, our beautiful american singer, BAI LAN DI"

Other things, Kevin invited 3 friends from Tallahassee to come to China. However he has tried to control things that weren't in his control and basically has really pissed them off and has screwed up things for them and lied a little bit here and there (omission of truth really) so now they're up yellow-shit creek without a paddle. And who's that paddle? Me. And I don't mind, I enjoy seeing China again thru new eyes. But it's been crazy trying to help them find a job, find an apt, and such. They're really cool people and I'm really glad to have met them, I know they're going to be here a while as well. Because even though all this bad stuff is happening they're still pretty optomistic about it all and have enjoyed all the crazyiness that comes with being around me. So this situation will be an ongoing saga for a while...


Something else, this next picture was from my quick day trip to HongKong a few weeks ago. It nearly made me cry. Seriously.

That's all I can think of right now. I've got two months before something's gotta happen because my contract is up soon. Don't know what exactly I'm doing now. But what's new. And in non-China news I just found out my ex-fiance is getting married. Still haven't formulated thoughts on that yet. Also my cousin Crystal is getting married. Also thoughts just haven't come. The apathy towards anything in my pre-china life is growing stronger each day. And the guilt for not caring is slowly slipping. *sigh*

Until next time!

Hi Everyone

Just a quick little post to let you know I'm thinking about you.... yes you. I've been deep deep in thought this week about my plans to come/visit home. And I've decided... I'm still undecided. I mean I'm definetly coming for a visit. But I'm pretty sure I want to come back to my amazing life here. Sure I've made a few mistakes here (several actually) but that's the best way to learn right?

So anyways, I just wanted to say hi! I miss you guys (most of you) and maybe will see you soon!

Happy May Day

So today is some holiday, not exactly sure why. Nor do I really care. I'm just happy to get the week off work. I went the day before yesterday to some small island near the city and stayed overnight. Hopefully I'll have the pictures soon. I don't have my camera anymore, so until I buy a new one I'll have to make do with other people's pictures, which is a shame. But oh well, shit happens.

That's the lesson for these past few weeks. But now I'm trying to make good things come from all the bad things that have transpired. Keeping a positive attitude in light of all my recent events has been the hardest thing lately. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough really. But I suppose I'll fake it till I make it.

That's what's happening with my singing "career" Every time i'm on stage and people are clapping and adoring me, i feel so fake. i'm not a guitar player, i'm not a singer, i'm a big big fake.

anyways, we'll see how this all turns out.
stay tuned.

oh and for all those curious, the boyfriend went back to his hometown hours away and didn't bother to say goodbye. so i guess the language thing was a problem.

oh well.